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Our culture as a whole is eager to talk to our children about sex. As early as preschool, our kids are taking in messages that teach them about what it means to be a boy or girl. At this young age, ideas are being formed on the purpose of love and sexuality. Many are being teased about “liking” someone, long before it should ever be a thought.
What our children believe about sex will be rooted in what they believe about God and His plan for us to flourish as humans. This reality makes it crucial that we are intentional about talking with our kids about sex. We want to be the first and the primary teachers, outlining the beauty of sexuality as designed by God. We want to show them what is right and normal, before they adopt the distorted, perverted view of sexuality that they see and hear around them.
For many of us, we are in uncharted waters. If our parents talked to us about sex, it was probably when we were entering adolescence. In the past, many parents main concern was that their teens saved sex for marriage. Discussions on pornography, sexting, gender ideology, or same-sex desire was virtually absent. Times have certainly changed, and so must our conversations.
It is very intimidating to know how to approach this subject. It is often easier to just avoid it. However, our kids not only need us to teach them, they actually want us to help them navigate this difficult subject. Remember, our kids do not feel awkward unless we make it awkward. They are curious and are trying to learn about the subject. Talking about sex can be a normal and a repeated conversation that you have with your kids. You can do it!
We will never be prepared enough or know enough. I remember the first sexual conversation I had with my oldest son, who was 8 years old at the time. We were driving one evening and noticed several deer in a field, one of which was a piebald (mostly white) deer. Nathan asked why it was white when all the other deer are brown. He opened the door and I stepped right in!
After giving a brief explanation of genetics and how the deer has traits from both a buck and a doe, our conversation quickly transitioned to humans. Having witnessed animals mate before, he asked a series of questions relating to a Daddy and Mommy having intercourse.
I gave him a simple answer, which was followed by silence from the back seat. He then said in a disbelieving, disgusted voice, “So you and Mommy HAD to do that four times?” Thankfully it was getting dark and he could not see me chuckling to myself. He is good at math – we have four kids!
We need to take every appropriate opportunity to talk with our kids so they learn that God created them, even their genitals. Our sexuality is a normal. He created them to experience sexual pleasure through the intimate, covenant relationship of marriage. Sexual pleasure is a reminder that we were not made to live life alone. Our kids need to hear these truths repeatedly as they grow, with age-appropriate language.
The following age specific information is written by Dr. Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy.
There is no doubt that everyday life gives us opportunities to discuss sex. Innocent questions will arise on subjects like where babies come from or why we shouldn’t be naked in front of people. Older children will notice moral failures in the news or their friends identify as homosexual or non-binary. These situations force us to talk about sexuality as God intended and the brokenness and sexual perversion we see in the world around us. These spontaneous discussions foster true discipleship and produce more fruit than a list of rules.
As we have these conversations, it is beneficial to ask our children questions before we reply. Asking and listening shows that we care and that we are safe. Our children need a safe place, a listening ear, and a place to process. Don’t be afraid to ask your children questions related to sexuality that are both general and personal.
Raising healthy kids who are sexually whole is not a pass-fail test. There is not a one-size-fits-all. Every child’s experience will vary. Unfortunately, it is almost guaranteed that our kids will be exposed to pornography. We may have a child that struggles with gender confusion or same-sex desire. As hard as it is to imagine, we also may have a child experiment with sexting or even experiment sexually with a peer. These things happen.
The thought can be overwhelming! As parents, we must recognize that the world is a sexual minefield and there is a lot of struggles surrounding this subject. Don’t run from the struggle. Good conversations, growth, and victory will be had if we stand our ground and lovingly engage our children, supporting them in the process.
We are to model God’s love to our children. They will do things they shouldn’t do, breaking house rules or boundaries that were given. They will stumble. When that happens, it is impossible to be prepared and know how to respond to every situation. However, our goal must be to extend grace and communicate God’s love.
The many conversations about sex are not “just a conversation about sex.” They are teaching moments that allow you to impart God’s design of love, intimacy, marriage, and truth. We are teaching our children about the goodness of God.
In the sidebar are several resources for you to consider using to help you effectively engage your children on this subject. I have used some of these, but not all. May God bless our efforts to raise a generation of sexually healthy disciples!
Sometimes it is in sexual failure that we or our children learn the extent of God’s forgiveness. Be open with your older teens about your failures and how you have personally experienced God’s forgiveness in your life. Be vulnerable, which will in turn develop deeper relationship with your child.
